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Quantum Leap!
Make your way through the ether,
manipulating time
Racing through the universe
just to chase a rhyme.
Searching for a memory
to quell the pain divine.
Bitter opposition
has somehow changed your mind.
All of this is travesty
and all by sweet design.
Poetry expressed my friends
in just a few sweet or bitter lines!
Chase the wind to find the truth,
displayed in bright sunshine.
Remembering that as a child
everything seemed fine!
You took no notice of the rain,
biding precious time.
No expectations or constraints
weighing on your mind!
The future was foreboding,
but fear became benign
No longer left to sit in shadow,
you chose to open up your eyes.
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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South Ogden, Utah
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Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom, and all of the poets at neo.
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-09-13 13:51
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, titled "Quantum Leap!", presents a narrative journey through time and space, using metaphors and vivid imagery. The poem's strength lies in its ability to evoke emotions and provoke thought, particularly around themes of memory, time, and the nature of reality.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The rhythm and meter of the poem are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow and make it harder for the reader to engage. For example, the second stanza has a different number of syllables per line compared to the first stanza. Consistency in rhythm and meter can help to create a more cohesive and engaging reading experience.
The poem also uses abstract concepts such as "the ether", "the universe", and "bitter opposition". While these can be effective in creating a sense of grandeur and depth, they can also make the poem feel vague and difficult to understand. More concrete and specific imagery could help to ground the poem and make its themes more accessible to the reader.
The use of clichés, such as "chase the wind" and "bright sunshine", can detract from the poem's originality. While familiar phrases can sometimes be useful for connecting with the reader, they can also make the poem feel less unique and interesting. Consider replacing these with more original and surprising images or metaphors.
Finally, the poem's message or theme could be made clearer. While the poem touches on themes of time, memory, and perception, it's not entirely clear what the poet is trying to say about these themes. A clearer, more focused message could help to give the poem more impact and resonance.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Fri, 2024-09-13 08:34
Dear Leslie,
I love your poem, but I have a suggestion for this line:
in just a few sweet lines!
in just a few sweet or bitter lines!
that is all.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Fri, 2024-09-13 09:04
Cat
Thanks for reading, I took you advice.
Our dreams lost! Lost on an ocean of turmoil! Soon a solution will arrive! Until then I will write!
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