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Fireside Confessions

Submitted by Candlewitch on Thu, 2024-10-10 16:00

Reclined on the Carpet, they lay
in each others arms, no hurry to move
undecided which was hotter,
body or mind, with nothing to reprove.

Hungry lips finding soft places
with shivering whispers discovering
secrets of the flesh so supple,
soft tender fingers seeking, hovering...

Honeyed secrets of love and lust
sharing the sweetest of forbidden talk
seeing the other in their eyes,
smiling, he lifted the hem of her frock.

Moonlight through the window shown bright ,
touching revealed areas of soft skin.
Kissing her pink shoulders, she swooned
swooping her up, it could not be a sin.

Love was there, no need to say it
with those candy coated words falling down.
Sweet talking in front of the fire
on the cake of their day, it was the crown!
.
.
.

(*meeting like this in stolen time,
"Splendor in the grass, glory in the flower "
as one, often fire did ignite
ending with wine and love plays finest hour.)

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Taking a contest break from my project. * written on Candlewitch notepad *Splendor In The Grass." by: William Wordsworth
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
10/24 Fireside Confession
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-10-10 22:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Fireside Confessions" is a vivid exploration of romantic intimacy. The use of descriptive language and imagery is effective in creating a sensual atmosphere. However, there are some areas that could be improved to enhance the overall quality of the poem.

1. Consistent Rhyme Scheme: The poem does not maintain a consistent rhyme scheme. The first stanza follows an ABAB pattern, but the subsequent stanzas do not. A consistent rhyme scheme can provide a sense of rhythm and structure to the poem, making it more engaging for the reader.

2. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult to follow. Proper punctuation can help to clarify the meaning of each line and guide the reader through the poem.

3. Word Choice: Some phrases, such as "candy coated words falling down" and "on the cake of their day, it was the crown" are a bit unclear. More straightforward language might better convey the intended meaning.

4. The use of parentheses in the final stanza is a bit confusing. If the information is essential to the poem, it could be included without parentheses. If it is not, it might be better to remove it.

5. Meter: The poem does not maintain a consistent meter, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. A consistent meter can provide a rhythmic quality to the poem, making it more enjoyable to read.

6. The poem could benefit from more show and less tell. For example, instead of stating "Love was there, no need to say it", the poem could describe actions or details that demonstrate this love.

In conclusion, while the poem effectively uses descriptive language and imagery to create a sensual atmosphere, improvements could be made in terms of rhyme scheme, punctuation, word choice, use of parentheses, meter, and showing versus telling.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Thu, 2024-10-10 21:35

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I'll be back to critique this sometime tomorrow; it's been a hectic few days, but I promise I'll get to all of the work that I've missed.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-10-11 06:17

Candlewitch's picture
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I know how (busy) can be... when there are just not hours in the day! see you later. I have my covid and flu shots scheduled for this morning....how lucky can I get, Not!

many hugs, Cat

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