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MIND TRIP

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Fri, 2024-10-04 05:31

I woke up naked because here is
isolated so I can let my junk hang
it was magical here, and know one
can do a damn thing.

My eyelids slowly
became less pinched , as they adjusted
to the nature escape, all the natural
shapes, greenery, knots of land and
musical sounds and snaking mirrors

I couldn't tear my dark spools away
but they finally did. They were fixated on a
majestic sea bird with an eight foot
outspread wings span with tip curves,
that cut

comfortably through the
flames of yellows, and strokes
of bursting oranges and
lashings of blushing pinks.

like a sea plane dropping off
supplies. It sliced through
the ozone like a, knife cutting
soft butter. A jet through flares
of exploding colours.

Over the other side were
towering soldiers of sugar
pines and clusters of thickening
conifers
oaks, vertically spilling drunkenly
embalmed over the Gin-clear lake.
dressed

In frazzle sparks of chipped silver
breaking the serene waves.
A platoon of midges droned
over it's clear dreamscape belly.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

Yeah you tested me on this one what the hell guys !

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

10/24 Waking up naked

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-10-04 11:31

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Mind Trip" presents a vivid and imaginative exploration of nature, employing a variety of metaphors and similes to convey the speaker's experience. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Consistency in Imagery: The poem contains a variety of images, ranging from the intimate (the speaker's nakedness) to the grand (the sea bird with an eight-foot wingspan). While variety can be beneficial, it's important to ensure that all the images contribute to a coherent whole. Some images, such as the "drunkenly embalmed" oaks, may not align with the overall tone and theme of the poem.

2. Grammar and Spelling: There are a few instances where the grammar and spelling could be improved. For example, the phrase "and know one" should likely be "and no one". Ensuring correct grammar and spelling can help maintain the reader's immersion in the poem.

3. Punctuation: The poem's punctuation is inconsistent, with some lines ending in periods and others not. Consistent punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended rhythm and pauses.

4. Metaphors and Similes: While the poem makes good use of metaphors and similes, some of them may be too complex or abstract for the reader to fully grasp. For example, the phrase "like a sea plane dropping off supplies" is a bit unclear. Simplifying or clarifying these metaphors could make the poem more accessible to readers.

5. Line Breaks: The line breaks in the poem seem to be placed somewhat randomly. Consider revising the line breaks to enhance the poem's rhythm and flow. For example, the line "flames of yellows, and strokes" could be broken after "yellows" to create a more natural pause.

Overall, the poem has a strong sense of place and a unique perspective. By addressing these areas, the poem could be made even more effective.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Fri, 2024-10-04 07:45