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HORRRAAAOOOW
HORRRAAAOOOW
Slap slap
slap-slap-slap-slap
slap slap
thwacks window pane, a car horn
fixed
trap trap-trap
exhaust, a flock of starlings
dust dust dust
blue
fumes intoxicating
flap flap-flap flap
grind squeak, iron gate
graves
grey silent, contra horn
relentless
horrrraaaoow-
horrrraaaoow-
flowers drop petals
floshed flooshed
floshed flushed
soft
searing monotone
madness, frets
frenzied shouts
a slam.
Slap slap
slap-slap-slap-slap
slap slap slap-slap
sleep
Style / type:
Free verse
Last few words:
12th February 2012. Ann.
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-02-18 01:33
I works well, but the short lines detract from meaning and flow
I am going to be very cheeky and see if I can show you what I mean.
HORRRAAAOOOW
Slap slap
slap-slap-slap
thwacks window pane, a car horn
fixed
trap trap trap
exhaust, a flock of starlings
dust dust dust
blue nasty greay blue bruises
fumes intoxicating
flap flap flap
grind squeak, iron gate
graves
grey silent, contra horn
relentless
horrrraaaoow-
horrrraaaoow-
flowers drop petals
floshed flooshed
floshed flushed
soft
searing monotone
madness, frets
frenzied shouts
a slam.
Slap slap slap
slap-slap-slap-slap
to bruised demaned sleep.
I don't man to re-write it, but see how it flows better?
It's a bloody good poem, but "poetry is the ruthless elimination of the inessential.
I don't expect you to take my suggestions, but the repetition is overdone.
cheers,
Jess
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Nordic cloud
Sat, 2012-02-18 04:45
Jess
You are right, but this poem MUST be sounded,
read aloud, it is a sound poem, not silent.
I wanted the REPETITION to annoy a bit
as such wind-blown repetition does,
hence the exaggeration of it.
After the blue...I wanted that clean blue-ness to float in the mind
before being polluted with the fumes..
intoxicating I perhaps agree with, although the sound of the X was also strong if emphasised!
Slap slap sleep ...seemed to me a sudden relief from the noise
and made, for me, a good finish.
I have changed some of it, I will do it now as I agree with you.
Thank you Jess.
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.