Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

D.N.R.

Submitted by Kristen H. on Fri, 2024-06-28 00:44

D.N.R.:

I want to kill someone.

I want to watch their life escape their grip.
I want to watch blood pour from their veins
And the color drain from their lips
As their cheeks run flush
As their eyes fill
With the fear of death
And regret of the past

I want to feel their breath become shorter, slower.

They’ll get lightheaded from the blood loss,
But feel no pain from the adrenaline.

And when all is said and done…
I will see no longer
I will feel no more pain

No heart can replace
No prayer can revive
No grief can undo
What I have done

Goodbye

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
TRIGGER WARNING!!! I'm so sorry if you read the poem before reading the warning but this poem is not for the faint of heart. It is gruesome and mentions active suicidal ideation, blood, and death. This is, by no means, an attempt to romanticize suicide. But rather, a glimpse into the mind of those who are struggling with life and cannot escape their own thoughts.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-06-28 06:50

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem, titled "D.N.R.", presents a dark and intense exploration of violent thoughts and actions. The use of vivid imagery and emotive language effectively communicates a sense of dread and remorse.

However, the poem could benefit from more nuanced expression of the speaker's motivations and emotions. As it stands, the speaker's desire to commit violence is presented in a rather straightforward manner, which may leave readers feeling alienated or disturbed. Incorporating more subtlety or ambiguity could make the speaker's perspective more relatable or intriguing, even if it remains morally objectionable.

The poem's structure and rhythm could also be improved. The lines vary widely in length and the rhythm is somewhat irregular, which can make the poem difficult to read. Experimenting with more consistent line lengths or a more regular rhythm could enhance the poem's flow and impact.

Finally, the poem's ending could be more impactful. The phrase "Goodbye" is somewhat cliché and doesn't add much to the poem's overall meaning or emotional impact. Consider ending the poem with a more original or thought-provoking line.

In summary, while this poem effectively communicates a dark and intense mood, it could be improved by incorporating more nuanced expression of the speaker's motivations and emotions, refining its structure and rhythm, and ending with a more impactful line.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.