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Bewitching Smile
A fact of life,
A guy exists only,
Because girls do
They take his tension away
In many more, than one way
Her smile makes him feel invited,
Her glances make one feel attractive
And whatever they do,
As you smack your lips,
it stands, awaiting your rescue.
That’s why all guys
To gals say, I love you.
She strokes her hair
and indicates, shall do
Whatever you want to
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-12-06 12:08
loved,
I like this very much in it's structure, But for me there is a sense of ownership between them. a kind of dangerous letting go of yourself to please another.
perticularly this stanza:
"That’s why all guys
To gals say, I love you.
She strokes her hair
and indicates shall do
Whatever you want to"
I just don't think women are like that any more, But that's just me.
This is your perspective, and indeed well done.
I believe since I've been gone you have changed your style of writing and I like it a lot.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
wesley snow
Tue, 2011-12-06 21:50
In the second to last line...
... I think you're missing "she".
The poem is "bewitching" (sorry, I had to).
The first three lines I think describe the situation precisely.
istan
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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loved
Tue, 2011-12-06 22:11
Thanks, added a comma
to avoid a twitch
and a second one ,she ,
single should now do...
hopefully...
loved
MichelleK
Wed, 2011-12-07 06:46
Nice poem, although I think
Nice poem, although I think the rhyme bogs it down a little. Maybe try with the rhyme?
Good work!
loved
Wed, 2011-12-07 09:07
off the cuff
poet that's me...
what comes to my mind
i compose
critiques help garbage or poetryfy it more
your wish
read help or GARBAGE IT
loved